Being a complete Bastard  (A Guide)


Ever wish you were secretly hated by everyone you know?

Ever thought about a situation and wish you had the skill to undermine people and make them feel worthless and hollow inside?

Ever wish you could clinically disinfect every form of love you will ever encounter in your life until the day you die?

Then this article will help you achieve your dreams. But instead of aiming high you can aim for the gutter.

I have had years of experience in the company of many Bastard style characters and have adopted a few useful prickish techniques along the way. Below I will list some techniques that I have seen used in the past:

The Laugh and Walk – Ever been stuck in a conversation that you find boring as hell? Wait until they say something that is faintly amusing and laugh at them very loudly. This laugh will stun them momentarily giving you the perfect moment to slip away rudely like the professional Bastard that you are.

Friend palming method – The previous method works in a business setting where there is the illusion of better work to be doing. In a social setting this alternative method can be used. The conversation is growing tiresome and you want to get away from the bore sat opposite you hopefully for the rest of your life. Eye up your surrounding is there another person nearby that you are willing to sacrifice? Wait until the person speaking to you gets to a convenient place for you to interject and then you say the following “Oh my God, that is so creepy my friend was saying just the same thing only the other day” you then turn to your sacrifice friend and say “[Friend] you have got to listen to this story” as this boring person starts rambling on to your poor friend it is the perfect opportunity to walk away.

Charity Case – A spanner to a mechanic is what lying is to a Bastard. There will be occasions where for charity, people will make cakes to raise money for a good cause. The best looking cakes would be put at the front and when you ask for one they pick out the worst looking one from the back. What a con, right? When you get to this scenario (preferably with other customers waiting) you pick up the cake you want with your hand, contaminating it with your germs. This then forces them to give you the cake you want. To be a Level 2 Bastard you could always say that you have no money after you have handled the cake forcing you to be given it for free.

Reasonable Doubt – when you are this type of person you will manufacture a Web of lies both to make yourself look special and to make others look incapable. To be a successful Bastard you need to disguise your Arrogance with what appears to be an honest misunderstanding. You would perhaps ask seemingly innocent questions in a meeting which privately you know will shit all over the other persons point. By pointing it out our seem smart but by being self-effacing you disguise your deep rooted smug arrogance.

These are only a few examples of where being a Bastard can be used. The only downside of this practice is that you end up without real respect from normal people. Instead you rise to fame in the world of these Level 7 Bastards who think they are even better than you are. Being a Bastard is not always just in business it is also frequented in life by family who need to tell you how to live their dreams or that occasional person in public who expects the world to revolve around them.

I am convinced that everyone has a Bastard element to them, the selfishness is really in all of us. I think that to find true happiness, is not to extinguish those feelings but to use them appropriately with great responsibility. I bet even Batman was a bit of a douche sometimes, when he would get back to the bat cave and Alfred had done nothing all day. You can imagine it can’t you?

Batman: Alfred why is my study such a mess?

Alfred: It’s as you left it Bruce

Batman: Don’t call me Bruce, you refer to me as Mr Wayne you stuffy English prick! Do you know what I do all day? I SAVE LIVES. Gotham is a tough place, and I have to come home to find the same mess in my study, and you’ve tidied nothing.

Alfred: But Mr Wayne, the cave is spotless, do I get no credit for that? Your mansion is huge and I’m an old man.

Batman: I know you don’t clean the cave, you just play with my cool prototype gadgets and fuck around in the tank style batmobile. Besides! it’s supposed to messy with oil spills and my tools everywhere! I don’t just hang out after a hard day in the fucking cave do I? I go to my mansion you moron!

Alfred: Please calm down Mr Wayne or I will be left with no choice but to leave my employment with you

Batman: Don’t tell me to calm down, I’m fucking Batman. You know what, maybe you leaving me would be the best thing to ever happen to me! I don’t need my dead parents and I certainly don’t need you, get out!

Poor Alfred! I bet Batman would play on the fact that Alfred made a promise to Batman’s mum and dad. I think the fact that Batman was self centred and unreasonable is exactly why Christian Bale was perfectly cast for the role.

We must learn to not be horrible to people around us as this can trample over another persons self esteem. The world would be a much better place if we all worked together for one another. Being a Bastard makes us guarded and in the long run contributes to a sad miserable life.  No matter how much money you earn, you can never buy other people’s respect. Mob mentality is common place, and you’ll find it in most board rooms.

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