What I hate most about you

Have you ever read a great book? You know, the kind of book where it is so thrilling that you can’t put it down? You are taken on a journey and it is exciting! When you have finally finish reading it you are a different person! In terms of Fictional books, for me what makes them great is that the characters are relatable and the narrative is full of wonder and intrigue. Other books you read don’t live up to that same standard and are full of clich├ęs and are a chore to read.

I have decided people are like books. Some people are like great works that you find thrilling and others are like the twlilight series, a life long yawn. Some people can speak so well and put their point across with such eloquence, that it could be compared to great prose found in literature. Some people though use tired old expressions and have no connection with you, simply because their experience of life is the size of a thimble.

Some people are just bland, they have no flair, no style. If these people were a cheese they would be cheddar. If they were a coffee they’d be a flat white. If they were a song they would be yellow by Coldplay. Predictable, boring, and worst of all I resent these people. Here is a non-exhaustive list of my distain

Crime 1: language

I love it when people can use language to perfectly describe their feelings but I hate it when people use tired old expressions or jokes. Someone approaches you at work and says “alright trouble?” I want to stab them through the heart with my biro. All of the below would be followed by a wink: 

  • Someone says to a pregnant woman “Must be baby brain!”
  • Someone is asked if they remember something “I’ve slept since then!”
  • A man is unwell “Must be man flu!”
  • You explain you have been shopping at Ikea “Hope you left some for the rest of us!”

    People stick to these ways of speaking because they have imitated other people. They have emptied their soul out and replaced it with dog shit. When people speak like this aesthetically there are no signs of life. I get so sick and tired of this tired drivel that I sometimes don’t even acknowledge their attempt at humour. For the likes of these boring people though this is a zesty enterprise, exchanging these tedious jokes back and forth and laughing all the way.

    Crime 2: Subject matter

    Some people can’t take deep or irreverent conversation. You get onto the subject of a popular TV series and they’ve never heard of it. You talk about a famously well known musician and they don’t know them. You asking them for cooking tips and they can’t remember the last time they didn’t heat up a ready meal. You ask them about how to live a life and they take a piss in your soup by trying to justify Christian scripture. You ask them what exciting things they want to do with their lives and they say it’s really hard because of looking after he kids. When you have squeezed a sponge for so long eventually not another drop is going to come out and you have to decide that there is nothing more to get out of this person!

    Crime 3: Status

    Some people have delusions of grandeur, they think they deserve a higher platform than most people. We all have narcissistic qualities but we dont all act on them. Not everyone is arrogant and obnoxious. Not everyone buys the most expensive sports car and brags about their six figure income. They think that wine is more sophisticated than beer. They think jazz is the only genre worth listening to. There are other people who love their families so much it consumes them. Ever other day they’re round their parents talking about old times, uploading pictures on facebook constantly of a stupid picture with their mum with a caption that reads “Me and my bestie”. These people talk about little Rupert’s first day at secondary school like we give a fuck. They show you a picture of their sons graduation from a degree at Bolton University and you just nod and smile. You look at the parents eyes and they say to you “One day you’ll know this feeling when you have children” Oh wow thanks, it’s so nice to know I can’t be truly content until I can ride off the achievements of my children! Modesty and self depreciating qualities are an endangered species now. Social media has convinced Britain of the American view which is that you are he most important thing in the world and everyone wants to know about you.

    Crime 4: Emotional Fragility

    How many times have you heard of someone getting upset because the conversation goes somewhere they don’t like. If boundaries were distances some people can circle the earth with the amount of subjects they can explore no matter how dark or frightening. Other people’s boundaries are about 6 feet. Please don’t talk about what upsets me. Well you know what, the world isn’t a bubble trying to protect you. If perhaps you allowed yourself to engage with conversations that scare you, you’d come out the other side being a stronger person. People who have a low tolerance for the horrible I call “Disneyland customers” They believe the world is about singing songs with clocks and candlesticks but refuse to digest the real world. If we’re all scared by the world surely we should pool our resources and share stories talking about what scares us? Instead though these people will block discussion at all costs and if you persist they take this as a personal insult.


    People are shit and they will always be toxic to be around. If you are different then I salute you. Read strange books, explore cultures, travel the world, expand your knowledge but most importantly never be afraid to express how you truly feel, whether that is through art or other passions. People deserve to be treated kindly and fairly. Some of the somewhat petty stuff above is a minor footnote on the struggle of life. If people chose to be a prisoner of the above mediocrity then that is their choice, but you don’t have to be a slave like the common man you can be your own person and break the chains!

    If you liked this drop me a comment and perhaps I could expand on more personal hatred.