What I hate most about you

Have you ever read a great book? You know, the kind of book where it is so thrilling that you can’t put it down? You are taken on a journey and it is exciting! When you have finally finish reading it you are a different person! In terms of Fictional books, for me what makes them great is that the characters are relatable and the narrative is full of wonder and intrigue. Other books you read don’t live up to that same standard and are full of clichés and are a chore to read.

I have decided people are like books. Some people are like great works that you find thrilling and others are like the twlilight series, a life long yawn. Some people can speak so well and put their point across with such eloquence, that it could be compared to great prose found in literature. Some people though use tired old expressions and have no connection with you, simply because their experience of life is the size of a thimble.

Some people are just bland, they have no flair, no style. If these people were a cheese they would be cheddar. If they were a coffee they’d be a flat white. If they were a song they would be yellow by Coldplay. Predictable, boring, and worst of all I resent these people. Here is a non-exhaustive list of my distain

Crime 1: language

I love it when people can use language to perfectly describe their feelings but I hate it when people use tired old expressions or jokes. Someone approaches you at work and says “alright trouble?” I want to stab them through the heart with my biro. All of the below would be followed by a wink: 

  • Someone says to a pregnant woman “Must be baby brain!”
  • Someone is asked if they remember something “I’ve slept since then!”
  • A man is unwell “Must be man flu!”
  • You explain you have been shopping at Ikea “Hope you left some for the rest of us!”

    People stick to these ways of speaking because they have imitated other people. They have emptied their soul out and replaced it with dog shit. When people speak like this aesthetically there are no signs of life. I get so sick and tired of this tired drivel that I sometimes don’t even acknowledge their attempt at humour. For the likes of these boring people though this is a zesty enterprise, exchanging these tedious jokes back and forth and laughing all the way.

    Crime 2: Subject matter

    Some people can’t take deep or irreverent conversation. You get onto the subject of a popular TV series and they’ve never heard of it. You talk about a famously well known musician and they don’t know them. You asking them for cooking tips and they can’t remember the last time they didn’t heat up a ready meal. You ask them about how to live a life and they take a piss in your soup by trying to justify Christian scripture. You ask them what exciting things they want to do with their lives and they say it’s really hard because of looking after he kids. When you have squeezed a sponge for so long eventually not another drop is going to come out and you have to decide that there is nothing more to get out of this person!

    Crime 3: Status

    Some people have delusions of grandeur, they think they deserve a higher platform than most people. We all have narcissistic qualities but we dont all act on them. Not everyone is arrogant and obnoxious. Not everyone buys the most expensive sports car and brags about their six figure income. They think that wine is more sophisticated than beer. They think jazz is the only genre worth listening to. There are other people who love their families so much it consumes them. Ever other day they’re round their parents talking about old times, uploading pictures on facebook constantly of a stupid picture with their mum with a caption that reads “Me and my bestie”. These people talk about little Rupert’s first day at secondary school like we give a fuck. They show you a picture of their sons graduation from a degree at Bolton University and you just nod and smile. You look at the parents eyes and they say to you “One day you’ll know this feeling when you have children” Oh wow thanks, it’s so nice to know I can’t be truly content until I can ride off the achievements of my children! Modesty and self depreciating qualities are an endangered species now. Social media has convinced Britain of the American view which is that you are he most important thing in the world and everyone wants to know about you.

    Crime 4: Emotional Fragility

    How many times have you heard of someone getting upset because the conversation goes somewhere they don’t like. If boundaries were distances some people can circle the earth with the amount of subjects they can explore no matter how dark or frightening. Other people’s boundaries are about 6 feet. Please don’t talk about what upsets me. Well you know what, the world isn’t a bubble trying to protect you. If perhaps you allowed yourself to engage with conversations that scare you, you’d come out the other side being a stronger person. People who have a low tolerance for the horrible I call “Disneyland customers” They believe the world is about singing songs with clocks and candlesticks but refuse to digest the real world. If we’re all scared by the world surely we should pool our resources and share stories talking about what scares us? Instead though these people will block discussion at all costs and if you persist they take this as a personal insult.

    Conclusion

    People are shit and they will always be toxic to be around. If you are different then I salute you. Read strange books, explore cultures, travel the world, expand your knowledge but most importantly never be afraid to express how you truly feel, whether that is through art or other passions. People deserve to be treated kindly and fairly. Some of the somewhat petty stuff above is a minor footnote on the struggle of life. If people chose to be a prisoner of the above mediocrity then that is their choice, but you don’t have to be a slave like the common man you can be your own person and break the chains!

    If you liked this drop me a comment and perhaps I could expand on more personal hatred.

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    Being a complete Bastard  (A Guide)


    Ever wish you were secretly hated by everyone you know?

    Ever thought about a situation and wish you had the skill to undermine people and make them feel worthless and hollow inside?

    Ever wish you could clinically disinfect every form of love you will ever encounter in your life until the day you die?

    Then this article will help you achieve your dreams. But instead of aiming high you can aim for the gutter.

    I have had years of experience in the company of many Bastard style characters and have adopted a few useful prickish techniques along the way. Below I will list some techniques that I have seen used in the past:

    The Laugh and Walk – Ever been stuck in a conversation that you find boring as hell? Wait until they say something that is faintly amusing and laugh at them very loudly. This laugh will stun them momentarily giving you the perfect moment to slip away rudely like the professional Bastard that you are.

    Friend palming method – The previous method works in a business setting where there is the illusion of better work to be doing. In a social setting this alternative method can be used. The conversation is growing tiresome and you want to get away from the bore sat opposite you hopefully for the rest of your life. Eye up your surrounding is there another person nearby that you are willing to sacrifice? Wait until the person speaking to you gets to a convenient place for you to interject and then you say the following “Oh my God, that is so creepy my friend was saying just the same thing only the other day” you then turn to your sacrifice friend and say “[Friend] you have got to listen to this story” as this boring person starts rambling on to your poor friend it is the perfect opportunity to walk away.

    Charity Case – A spanner to a mechanic is what lying is to a Bastard. There will be occasions where for charity, people will make cakes to raise money for a good cause. The best looking cakes would be put at the front and when you ask for one they pick out the worst looking one from the back. What a con, right? When you get to this scenario (preferably with other customers waiting) you pick up the cake you want with your hand, contaminating it with your germs. This then forces them to give you the cake you want. To be a Level 2 Bastard you could always say that you have no money after you have handled the cake forcing you to be given it for free.

    Reasonable Doubt – when you are this type of person you will manufacture a Web of lies both to make yourself look special and to make others look incapable. To be a successful Bastard you need to disguise your Arrogance with what appears to be an honest misunderstanding. You would perhaps ask seemingly innocent questions in a meeting which privately you know will shit all over the other persons point. By pointing it out our seem smart but by being self-effacing you disguise your deep rooted smug arrogance.

    These are only a few examples of where being a Bastard can be used. The only downside of this practice is that you end up without real respect from normal people. Instead you rise to fame in the world of these Level 7 Bastards who think they are even better than you are. Being a Bastard is not always just in business it is also frequented in life by family who need to tell you how to live their dreams or that occasional person in public who expects the world to revolve around them.

    I am convinced that everyone has a Bastard element to them, the selfishness is really in all of us. I think that to find true happiness, is not to extinguish those feelings but to use them appropriately with great responsibility. I bet even Batman was a bit of a douche sometimes, when he would get back to the bat cave and Alfred had done nothing all day. You can imagine it can’t you?

    Batman: Alfred why is my study such a mess?

    Alfred: It’s as you left it Bruce

    Batman: Don’t call me Bruce, you refer to me as Mr Wayne you stuffy English prick! Do you know what I do all day? I SAVE LIVES. Gotham is a tough place, and I have to come home to find the same mess in my study, and you’ve tidied nothing.

    Alfred: But Mr Wayne, the cave is spotless, do I get no credit for that? Your mansion is huge and I’m an old man.

    Batman: I know you don’t clean the cave, you just play with my cool prototype gadgets and fuck around in the tank style batmobile. Besides! it’s supposed to messy with oil spills and my tools everywhere! I don’t just hang out after a hard day in the fucking cave do I? I go to my mansion you moron!

    Alfred: Please calm down Mr Wayne or I will be left with no choice but to leave my employment with you

    Batman: Don’t tell me to calm down, I’m fucking Batman. You know what, maybe you leaving me would be the best thing to ever happen to me! I don’t need my dead parents and I certainly don’t need you, get out!

    Poor Alfred! I bet Batman would play on the fact that Alfred made a promise to Batman’s mum and dad. I think the fact that Batman was self centred and unreasonable is exactly why Christian Bale was perfectly cast for the role.

    We must learn to not be horrible to people around us as this can trample over another persons self esteem. The world would be a much better place if we all worked together for one another. Being a Bastard makes us guarded and in the long run contributes to a sad miserable life.  No matter how much money you earn, you can never buy other people’s respect. Mob mentality is common place, and you’ll find it in most board rooms.

    He’s Getting Oldman

    Above is a picture of Gary Oldman playing “Zorg” in one of my favourite sci-fi films “The Fifth Element”. Remember how cool he was? He was so outlandish and funny. When I was growing up in the 90’s Gary Oldman featured in loads of cool films. When you look at films he has featured in over the years you see that he has a great sense of humour and picks some really funny characters.

    Above is a picture from his original screen debut where he played sid vicious from the Sex Pistols in the film ‘Sid and Nancy’ this set him on his way. A lot of his later characters had an odd ball streak running through them.

    ‘True Romance’ was a bizarre role where he played what some might refer to as a ‘Wigga’ a white person who pretends to be black. Some might say that he is almost unrecognisable in this role as he is so off the wall. Oldman brings such a great dimension to the role that you forget it’s even him. A similarly crazed role is where he plays ‘Norman Stansfield’ in Leon: The Professional’ which in my opinion is one of Luc Besson’s best film. Check out this scene where oldman embodies stansfield. I love it when he is talking about classical music, and when taking about Beethoven he says “after the overtures, he gets a little fucking boring” so much crazed aggression. Norman Stansfield is the epitomy of a character you just love to hate. Gary Oldman captures this character beautifully.

    In the film ‘Hannibal’ which is a follow up to Silence of the Lambs, Oldman shows his creepier side. He has always brought a strangeness to his characters but this one is quite sinister. I love how versatile he is as an actor. I was quite amazed when I found out he was British! An honourable mention is his part in Dracula which was equally creepy and we’ll acted. He also was great in Harry Potter, though I’ve never been much of a Potter fan.

    As of late Oldman has been taking a more calmer form of character. He played Jim Gordon in Christopher Nolan’s interpretation of Batman. Oldman was very good on this but it did feel like a back seat. I can’t speak for ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy’ because I haven’t seen it but I hear it is excellent. Could it be that capturing an actors talent can be found more in the strength of the writing than in themselves. Actors normally aren’t as outlandish as the characters they portray. Here is hoping that Gary Oldman will reprise his zanier funny roles sometime soon. Does anyone have any good films with Oldman I have forgotten? Can you recommend any, I’d love I hear them.